Out Of Reach
by Ivy3
Summary: A sequal to "Good Little Apprentice". Qui Gon is one with the force and he's thinking back to what happened and how it affected his padawan. Post TPM.


Author's note: This is NOT a slashy story, in case you were wondering!

I would like to thank Galahan and Wild Horse for being the best beta readers there are!

Out Of Reach

I watch the sleeping form of my apprentice as he finally managed to fall asleep. It has been several days since my untimely joining with the force and yet it still felt wrong. I should be there for my padawan in his time of need! By the Force, he needs me now! I observe as he twists and rolls in his sweat soaked bed. 

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When was the last time you slept peacefully?

I shake my head, though there is nothing to shake, and sigh. It is strange how I am still thinking of myself as a living being and not as one with the Force. I do not have a body or a head to shake anymore, and yet I manage to do so. 

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I want to hold you so much padawan, to cradle you and wipe your tears away…

I shudder, thinking most of that anguish was caused by me. It shouldn't have taken me to die to be able to sense what was in your heart, what I've been denying. .

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You think I abandoned you…

I didn't my Obi! Trust me! If there were a way I'd return to you this instant! But it is the will of the Force… I did not choose Anakin over you! Yes, I strongly believe he was the chosen one, but I also knew you were ready to face the trials, to be a knight. You made me so proud… 

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How can you not think I'd love you? That I wouldn't be proud of you?

After Xanatos I was alone and broken; you were my light and my soul. You helped mend my sorry heart and gave me back life. You ARE my life Obi. You hurt me on Melida/Daan, that is true, but I did take you back and our bond was stronger than ever before. We became more than Master/Padawan, you were like a son to me in every way save for biological. I remember those youthful eyes and that winning smile and I can't help but look at you in awe. You are so special, Padawan, so pure. Do you really think I could ever truly leave you? Even when I planned on taking Anakin I intended to keep on being a part of your life. It was time for you to 'leave home', but does that mean your 'father' would never call? Or come for a visit? Oh how I wanted to be there at you knighting! I can imagine my fingers trembling as I cut your padawan braid… 

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Why must you suffer so much?

With all the hurt I caused you… Perhaps I did want the honor of training the chosen one, but he could never replace or surpass you, Obi Wan! Didn't you realize that? Didn't you realize I already knew you'd be a great Knight? That you already made me so proud of you? 

A chill passes through my 'body' and I gasp. In all my life I never had the talent you had in the Unifying Force and now in death I wish it were still so. For what I see in your future, my brave Padawan is just more death and destruction and pain. Oh why must you suffer so! 

My glance moves over to the huddled form of Anakin Skywalker and I frown. I see now so clearly, what everyone including you warned me about. I see how he will be the one to bring that suffering and it is entirely my fault. Why did I push him upon you? I remember it being so important at the time, in those last few moments, when I realized I was dying. YOU were my legacy and still are, but he would be my salvation, or so I thought. He would right all my wrongs, including the ones I made with you. 

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Why did I not tell you how much I loved you?

I was never a man to reveal emotions, I always thought actions spoke more clearly than words. Apparently I was wrong, if you did not realize how much I love you. I should have told you it when I had the chance! When I had my last chance! But I chickened out, afraid of rejection. I was so afraid you wouldn't feel the same way, that you just respect me as your master, even though everything you did pointed otherwise. Qui Gon, what a coward you are! In not saying to him those three magical words you have put him through pain and misery! 

I think back, wincing to another era of twelve years ago. We just finished our mission on Kegan and were heading home when I saw a fleeting shadow upon your form. I remember realizing it was an older version of you. I still remember what you said to me then: 

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"And if darkness lies ahead of me, I will fight it."

Oh my brave Obi Wan! My strong and pure Obi Wan! I see so much darkness ahead of you that it is tearing my heart to pieces! 

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"We will fight it together, padawan"

I remember answering. 

No, it appears you are destined to a lonely, terribly lonely life…How I wish I could be here for you! I reach out with the Force, drawing the particles around me, in me and sending them to you. I am so desperate to comfort you, I imagine I see you smiling in your sleep. I notice something odd and I float closer, realizing I'll have to go soon. I feel my energy draining from me and yet I am rooted to my spot.

I watch as you turn once more and reveal something clasped firmly in your hand. It's the river stone I gave you for your thirteenth birthday. I reach out one final time to you and watch as the river stone glows brighter still. I can see my hand brushing your face, but cannot make contact. I am slipping away and you are out of reach. 

-END-

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End file.
